Thursday, October 8, 2015

creative process // reflections

"Anyone that encourages intellectual, emotional, artistic and spiritual growth is worth keeping. Don't let them go."

As a creative person, I knew that I would never truly be happy if I wasn't fulfilling part of my personality. But something happened, something shifted. Growing up I was full of confidence, no one could bring me down. Whether it was creating music, singing, acting, painting, photography, writing - I was always creating. My mother and father always nurtured my need to be creative. They always gave me every opportunity they could for me to have a creative outlet. My father would take me on photography trips where we would explore nature and both take our cameras. My mother was always pushing me to pursue my musical talents. They both individually gave me the courage and strength to be who I am, who I was meant to be. I never really noticed how lucky I was to have such supportive parents. I think it's common place now to see parents discouraging their children from pursuing their creative talents as a way of life, and instead treat them more like a hobby. It's actually very sad. 
I unfortunately got a glimpse of this after my parents had both passed away, and I was pursuing my career in design. Many of the adults in my life expressed their concern for the amount of money I would be making, and how hard it is. I had never received such advice from my family or my parents. I was always told to do what you love, and the rest will follow. This was the first ounce of discouragement I had ever received about my creative passions. This plagued me, brought me down, made me feel really, really awful. For the first time, I felt like a fool. In my previous relationship, I didn't feel emotionally supported. I couldn't really express how I was feeling because there wasn't really a way to do so. I fell into this long-term moment of suspended self-doubt. It's in moments like these that I cling to order and I found comfort in structure. Following the rules, order and structure turned off the creative side of my brain and I began losing myself. So, I got myself a job, a job for making money. And that's all that it was. I wasn't happy. At all.

It wasn't until the end of said relationship, that that part of me came up for air and rejuvenated itself. I woke up one morning, standing in my kitchen drinking my coffee, looking out the window and it just hit me. I remember this moment so very clearly. I had classical music playing in my living room, and for the first time in a long while, I felt quiet and still. Followed by the feeling as if, there was surge to my brain, and burst of inspiration. I remember saying to myself, "what am I doing?!" and then I felt crazy. I immediately went to my computer to start writing, I do this almost every day. I write. It's the only way I can release what's going on in my head sometimes, well that and running.

Anyways, I noticed what in my life had changed what brought about this change in me. I recalled the evening prior to this shift and I laughed. Brenton and I had just spent the whole weekend together. It was that weekend that I think we both really felt that there was something real there. It just happened so fast, and because we both had difficult past relationships we were both hesitant. However, it finally came to a point that we couldn't deny it anymore. He and I are so incredibly similar, more so than I have ever experienced. I remember one night we shared our dreams and aspirations and ours were so remarkably the same. That night he held me, and for the first time since I was little, I felt safe again. I don't exactly mean physical safety, but the kind of safety I had been lacking since my parents died. I knew I could trust this man with my heart and soul.

Since then, it has only gotten better. Brenton, who is also a designer, and I support and push and challenge each other creatively. We collaborate and trust each other. I had been lacking this and I couldn't even imagine how truly amazing it is to be in a relationship with such trust and support. Creative people are certainly their own type. And finding someone who complements that part of your personality is very important. My equal.

I never knew this was something that I was lacking, or needed until it hit me that one morning. It takes a long time for someone, or at least me, to figure out what I needed. This was just something I never knew I needed until it was no longer there and then had it's chance to appear to me.