Friday, April 3, 2015

finer feelings // reflections

I've been known to be really hard on myself about meeting my own expectations and the expectations of others. I mean to the point of becoming depressed over it. Lately I started realizing, what's the point of doing that? I have these little pep talks with myself, like a coach before a big game, "Come on, Hayley... you've been through so much worse. Pull yourself together." Over the last six months I've become more attuned to my own self than I think I ever have. From a very early age I was caring for my little brother and my mother during a very trying and difficult time in her life (losing her mother and two sisters) and then years after through out her illness.  I've always had to be the strong one for every one else. Developing my own self was the cost in which I paid for all that time spent. So, really I'm quite a late bloomer with this whole growing up thing. Although it has taken me a little longer than my peers, I have to say I am damn proud of where I stand today and damn proud of myself for being here. Small victories. I did it all on my own. It's a shame that we're seemingly wired to only dwell on the negative and let the positive roll off of us, but honestly, I think that's what makes us strong  - we learn from our mistakes. I just need to remember to praise myself and thank my blessings a little more. It's too easy to get caught up in all the doom and gloom. 
I think it's safe to say that over the last few months I have done a lot of growing up. I've parted with baggage that I've held on to for over a decade and healed from it.  It's time to start a new chapter and this one selfishly so, is all about me. Things are really looking up, I have a few amazing opportunities at my feet and I have an a amazing human being by my side. I couldn't be more happier. I feel lighter and happier than I have in years. 
Here's to listening to that little voice in your head and doing what you feel is right, no matter what. I now know what I want and I won't settle for less.