Thursday, September 17, 2015

colours & hues // reflections

I think it's safe to say that I sort of gave up on the whole blogging a few years back. I remember when I would post every single day. It's sweet to hear from those of you who wonder where I am, how I'm doing, what I'm doing. It warms my heart in so many ways. The thing is I'm just starting to figure things out after several years of coasting through life, pretending. It's been like waking from a really long and miserable dream. Sobering really. I know I'm better for it, but man it took every possible ounce of strength and courage I had left to finally confront the truth. To be perfectly honest, I'm still not really ready to talk about it in detail. I was hanging on to something that wasn't there. Ever. The most important thing I learned was if you're not true, and honest with yourself, and follow through with said truth -- you'll be sorry. You're basically living a lie. It's true, you might hurt someone, someone you don't mean to hurt. But in the end, you'll be honest with yourself.

I think that's what my lesson all boiled down to. Instead of confronting my truth, I coasted and settled. It was safer that way. Little did I know, I was losing a piece of myself every single minute. And by the time I figured out it was time to bring it all to a close, I had very little of myself to hold myself together with. It was my own fault. Stick up for yourself, don't mind what other people might think or say. If you know what you have to do, do it. And be happier with knowing you're doing what you desire to do.

I know this all very vague, and I apologize for that. I'm not trying to be dramatic. It's just, unfortunately, that's the way the internet works these days. I'm not about to air my dirty laundry and begin to name call. I don't know who still reads this.

However, I can tell you now, as I am writing this I am sitting next to the most wonderful man I have ever know/met (and of course Minnie is on the other side of me) and I am happier than I have been. I can't even explain this happiness. It made all the hardship and emotional agony that seemed self-inflicted worth it. And I can without a doubt know that I made the right choice in doing what I did. The universe works in mysterious ways. Truly.

In all the madness that I've lived through, and survived, one thing and one thing only rings true. That is that every thing really does happen for a reason, the way it should. I believe that. Also, every thing will work out, in the end it will. I was raised by a very selfless woman, who never complained, she must have bestowed this knowledge on to me. I try very hard not to dwell on things, or over analyze. There's really no point. Most of the time, life's struggles are out of our control.

I am a stronger and better person for the conflicts I've faced. Oddly, I am grateful for the experiences.

Also, there are some really exciting things on the horizon, and I cannot wait to start sharing things with you all again. And to those of you who have been supporting me over the last... decade, thank you.