Sunday, July 27, 2014

generational synthetic // thoughts

This past year has been a rough one for me personally, emotionally and mentally. I blame it on turning twenty-six. I feel like I hit that proverbial wall that is my quarter-life crisis. Where I start questioning everything. I'm sure this is what every one goes through though, truly. Anyways, I got to thinking about my career and the things that make me the most happy. And something that became very clear to me over the past year is that I am only truly fulfilled and happy when I am giving back, helping others.

I know I've learned this from my mother. She meant so much to so many people and sadly I only really understood this fully after her passing. On the day of her funeral, I watched a long row of cars in the rearview mirror that seemed to stretch over the horizon, all in long line following us to her final resting spot. It was at this moment when it hit me. Seeing all traffic in my tiny hometown come to a complete stop, to let us all pass, it took my breath away... I knew I had to do right by her. I knew it more than ever. My mother was always supportive, always. No matter what. Was only stern when she had to be. She was always a comfort to me. A safe, warm and inviting person to be around. Never judged, always kind. She would always put everyone else over herself, sometimes to a fault.

So, me being full of inspiration to do something meaningful with my life, I had an incredibly emotional discussion with a dear friend. Full of tears and heartache, but sometimes it just feels good to get it all out. I looked back at the past couple years and I couldn't help but be proud of where I am today. I could be in a worse place, and rightfully so after what I've been through. My entire life, turned upside down after the passing of my parents almost a year apart from each other. Watching them both battle cancer and the toll it took on their souls. I've always been an optimist, I can't help but always see the bright side of any situation - I think it's a mental crutch to be perfectly honest. I'm always protecting myself. Sure it gets tiring, but I really don't see anything wrong with it. I curbed a lifetime of sadness and depression by seeing that, sure these occurrences f*$^ing sucked, but they were completely out of my control. And there was nothing I could do to stop, fix or prevent them from happening. And it's not that I didn't care, grieve or feel the most horrific pain of my life... I've just decided to take that pain and turn it into something, something positive. I will not let it defeat me. I didn't suffer for nothing. I will say, it has taken me years to get to this point. I did not have this frame of mind directly after. It was only until that discussion I had, rare of me to even let the smallest bit of my feelings out, that I knew it.... All of the pain, all of the suffering, I knew I had put it to to good use. I'm not sure where this will take me, what journey I am about to embark on, but I am sure I will not regret the effort. This isn't the first time I've had this internal dialogue.

I also had a moment where I decided that I'm going to do what I love, put it out there and hope that someone out there enjoys it. Because one of the greatest things I've ever learned about being a creative type person is that you are never alone. That song that you can't stop listening to, that movie that pulls at your heart, that blouse you're lusting over, that piece of art that changed your life... I guarantee you someone else out there feels the same and it's all about putting yourself out there for that one person to see you, identify with you and create a bond through the things you love.

Life is short. It's time we all did a little soul searching to really focus on what makes us happy. I believe in happiness.