Oh hello, September ( You're welcome. I couldn't help myself.) I can't believe summer has flown by as quickly as it has. Faster than ever, that's for sure. I spent so much of it hanging on to old feelings, hurt and heartbroken. No fun. It's funny, since making the leap (letting go), it's almost like I have become more alive. I've rekindled many friendships, and made some really meaningful new ones. I'm realizing my own worth, my own strengths and what I need. I feel like I've grown over the last two months more than I have in the last six years. I'm free, truly on my own. Truly a fresh start. I feel inspired and liberated, yet slightly overwhelmed with excitement, oh the possibilities!
"I wish I had the courage not to fight and doubt everything. I wish, just once, I could say: ‘This. This is good enough.’" - Chuck Palahniuk, Choke
It's so funny to me how many people ask me questions about or comment on my hair. If they only knew what a huge pain in the butt it is! People touch (more like pull on it) it on a weekly basis, I wish I was kidding. All throughout my childhood it was the absolute bane of my existence. I was teased left and right and bullied for having thick, curly hair. I cried on the school bus every morning. I was different. I was this tiny, skinny little kid with an enormous amount of curly hair. Insert images of the little girl from Brave here. I think I kept my hair up in a ponytail for most of my elementary years. My mom tried styling it, cutting it in so many different ways and still I'd get teased. It's taken me years, and I mean it, to finally let my hair grow and lay however it naturally wants. I think what happened was I just had to grow into it, embrace it. I just hope if I ever have a daughter that she takes after her father...
& also, another song I haven't been able to stop listening to all summer.
It's become more and more clear that the city that I currently call home is really no longer home to me at all. Seattle, you've been kind to me. You've offered me a lovely place to hide out and pull myself together once again. You've taught me how to be independent & strong. Unfortunately, I have not felt truly myself since I left my true home, Pennsylvania. I don't know when exactly it happened, but it occurred to me the last time I was back home in March. I rushed home to see my grandfather who was battling cancer and was rapidly slipping away from us. I miss the air, the countryside, the sunrises, the people, the history, my loved ones... and the food. My grandfather had seen the world, twice over, and had the means to live anywhere he'd wish and he still felt fondly of where he grew up and lived there all his life. If that's not an endorsement, I don't know what is.
So that's plan, I need to be back on the east coast. Where everything, every one is within driving distance. I will live out the last months of my current lease, finish my degree and move home. Seattle, I've given you six years, and you still don't even compare. I still long for home. I'm thinking Philadelphia or even Chicago (where I'll most likely find work and is quickly becoming my second home) by next summer. All that I know is this time, this move is going to be for me.
"Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest conjuration." - Charles Dickens
My camera is fixed! Finally. I feel like I've reconnected with a part of my soul. It was odd not carrying it in my purse with me anymore, using my phone to take photographs. There have been so many missed photo opportunities.
One of my fondest memories of my father is when he asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. He, my brother and I spent the morning watching the sunrise on Rye beach in New Hampshire. My father and I were both taking photographs. Me with my little disposable camera and he with his beautiful Olympus. I had always been in such awe of that camera. And my father looked so cool using it. We came home had breakfast, and my brother started talking about how he wanted to be an archeologist. My dad then asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I ran to the bathroom crying and shut the door, I was too embarrassed. He came in after me and asked me again, I said, "a photographer" he laughed and said, "That's wonderful! But why are you crying?" I said, "Girls aren't photographers..." he then said, "Little bit, you can be whoever, whatever you want. Never let being a girl stop you." We shared a love for photography, it brought us closer. We would take trips together and photograph every thing we found beautiful, usually it was the same things. He'd surprise me with a new camera every so often, making sure I didn't give up on my dream. I'm such a lucky girl to have had such a supportive and loving father. He never discouraged me. Thanks, Dad.
& I cannot stop listening to this cover. It's pretty perfect.
This past year has been a rough one for me personally, emotionally and mentally. I blame it on turning twenty-six. I feel like I hit that proverbial wall that is my quarter-life crisis. Where I start questioning everything. I'm sure this is what every one goes through though, truly. Anyways, I got to thinking about my career and the things that make me the most happy. And something that became very clear to me over the past year is that I am only truly fulfilled and happy when I am giving back, helping others.
I know I've learned this from my mother. She meant so much to so many people and sadly I only really understood this fully after her passing. On the day of her funeral, I watched a long row of cars in the rearview mirror that seemed to stretch over the horizon, all in long line following us to her final resting spot. It was at this moment when it hit me. Seeing all traffic in my tiny hometown come to a complete stop, to let us all pass, it took my breath away... I knew I had to do right by her. I knew it more than ever. My mother was always supportive, always. No matter what. Was only stern when she had to be. She was always a comfort to me. A safe, warm and inviting person to be around. Never judged, always kind. She would always put everyone else over herself, sometimes to a fault.
So, me being full of inspiration to do something meaningful with my life, I had an incredibly emotional discussion with a dear friend. Full of tears and heartache, but sometimes it just feels good to get it all out. I looked back at the past couple years and I couldn't help but be proud of where I am today. I could be in a worse place, and rightfully so after what I've been through. My entire life, turned upside down after the passing of my parents almost a year apart from each other. Watching them both battle cancer and the toll it took on their souls. I've always been an optimist, I can't help but always see the bright side of any situation - I think it's a mental crutch to be perfectly honest. I'm always protecting myself. Sure it gets tiring, but I really don't see anything wrong with it. I curbed a lifetime of sadness and depression by seeing that, sure these occurrences f*$^ing sucked, but they were completely out of my control. And there was nothing I could do to stop, fix or prevent them from happening. And it's not that I didn't care, grieve or feel the most horrific pain of my life... I've just decided to take that pain and turn it into something, something positive. I will not let it defeat me. I didn't suffer for nothing. I will say, it has taken me years to get to this point. I did not have this frame of mind directly after. It was only until that discussion I had, rare of me to even let the smallest bit of my feelings out, that I knew it.... All of the pain, all of the suffering, I knew I had put it to to good use. I'm not sure where this will take me, what journey I am about to embark on, but I am sure I will not regret the effort. This isn't the first time I've had this internal dialogue.
I also had a moment where I decided that I'm going to do what I love, put it out there and hope that someone out there enjoys it. Because one of the greatest things I've ever learned about being a creative type person is that you are never alone. That song that you can't stop listening to, that movie that pulls at your heart, that blouse you're lusting over, that piece of art that changed your life... I guarantee you someone else out there feels the same and it's all about putting yourself out there for that one person to see you, identify with you and create a bond through the things you love.
Life is short. It's time we all did a little soul searching to really focus on what makes us happy. I believe in happiness.
