colours & hues // reflections

I think it's safe to say that I sort of gave up on the whole blogging a few years back. I remember when I would post every single day. It's sweet to hear from those of you who wonder where I am, how I'm doing, what I'm doing. It warms my heart in so many ways. The thing is I'm just starting to figure things out after several years of coasting through life, pretending. It's been like waking from a really long and miserable dream. Sobering really. I know I'm better for it, but man it took every possible ounce of strength and courage I had left to finally confront the truth. To be perfectly honest, I'm still not really ready to talk about it in detail. I was hanging on to something that wasn't there. Ever. The most important thing I learned was if you're not true, and honest with yourself, and follow through with said truth -- you'll be sorry. You're basically living a lie. It's true, you might hurt someone, someone you don't mean to hurt. But in the end, you'll be honest with yourself.

I think that's what my lesson all boiled down to. Instead of confronting my truth, I coasted and settled. It was safer that way. Little did I know, I was losing a piece of myself every single minute. And by the time I figured out it was time to bring it all to a close, I had very little of myself to hold myself together with. It was my own fault. Stick up for yourself, don't mind what other people might think or say. If you know what you have to do, do it. And be happier with knowing you're doing what you desire to do.

I know this all very vague, and I apologize for that. I'm not trying to be dramatic. It's just, unfortunately, that's the way the internet works these days. I'm not about to air my dirty laundry and begin to name call. I don't know who still reads this.

However, I can tell you now, as I am writing this I am sitting next to the most wonderful man I have ever know/met (and of course Minnie is on the other side of me) and I am happier than I have been. I can't even explain this happiness. It made all the hardship and emotional agony that seemed self-inflicted worth it. And I can without a doubt know that I made the right choice in doing what I did. The universe works in mysterious ways. Truly.

In all the madness that I've lived through, and survived, one thing and one thing only rings true. That is that every thing really does happen for a reason, the way it should. I believe that. Also, every thing will work out, in the end it will. I was raised by a very selfless woman, who never complained, she must have bestowed this knowledge on to me. I try very hard not to dwell on things, or over analyze. There's really no point. Most of the time, life's struggles are out of our control.

I am a stronger and better person for the conflicts I've faced. Oddly, I am grateful for the experiences.

Also, there are some really exciting things on the horizon, and I cannot wait to start sharing things with you all again. And to those of you who have been supporting me over the last... decade, thank you. 

finer feelings // reflections

I've been known to be really hard on myself about meeting my own expectations and the expectations of others. I mean to the point of becoming depressed over it. Lately I started realizing, what's the point of doing that? I have these little pep talks with myself, like a coach before a big game, "Come on, Hayley... you've been through so much worse. Pull yourself together." Over the last six months I've become more attuned to my own self than I think I ever have. From a very early age I was caring for my little brother and my mother during a very trying and difficult time in her life (losing her mother and two sisters) and then years after through out her illness.  I've always had to be the strong one for every one else. Developing my own self was the cost in which I paid for all that time spent. So, really I'm quite a late bloomer with this whole growing up thing. Although it has taken me a little longer than my peers, I have to say I am damn proud of where I stand today and damn proud of myself for being here. Small victories. I did it all on my own. It's a shame that we're seemingly wired to only dwell on the negative and let the positive roll off of us, but honestly, I think that's what makes us strong  - we learn from our mistakes. I just need to remember to praise myself and thank my blessings a little more. It's too easy to get caught up in all the doom and gloom. 

I think it's safe to say that over the last few months I have done a lot of growing up. I've parted with baggage that I've held on to for over a decade and healed from it.  It's time to start a new chapter and this one selfishly so, is all about me. Things are really looking up, I have a few amazing opportunities at my feet and I have an a amazing human being by my side. I couldn't be more happier. I feel lighter and happier than I have in years. 

Here's to listening to that little voice in your head and doing what you feel is right, no matter what. I now know what I want and I won't settle for less.

moment of clarity // reflections

How he captures me. 

Where do I start? I suppose, Happy New Year is a good place to begin. I cannot even begin to describe the happiness I've been experiencing lately... 

The week before Christmas I experienced one of the lowest of emotional lows that I have ever felt. My loneliness swallowed me up, completely. It was the final rock bottom to cap off six months of continuous, torturous,  emotional agony. From July until then I was just coasting, barely getting by my heart broken into pieces, nothing to hang on to. I was so broken, I lost fifteen pounds, I was wasting away. It took one final confrontation with my demons to set my spiral even further downward. It was a dark place to be. Through my own strength and the strength of my loved ones I persevered. It was in this reawakening that I started to push myself, push myself to find happiness - I refused to suffer any longer. And just like that... the day before Christmas Eve, I met him. 

I'm seriously floating on cloud nine with happiness and joy. I've never had such an effortless connection with someone in my entire life. We just click. He's kind, intelligent, makes me laugh, we're both designers (artistic minds) but most importantly, he makes me feel adored and worth being loved. I don't think I've ever been this smitten, honestly. 

I've made peace with my past, and my ghosts. They no longer have any hold over me. I've released you. Goodbye.

part of me // reflections

 My Mother in Williamsburg '82. This is how I remember her, that big goofy smile - I can almost hear her laughter. 

I've realized too, that I make that same goofy face. I can't even express how much I miss her.

December 17, 2008.  Six years ago today, I lost my best friend, my mother and a huge part of myself. I remember getting a call from the hospital early in the morning, on the only night that I actually went home to try and sleep, they told me that there was a change in my mothers condition, that I should immediately come to the hospital. They could not share the details with me, and could not reach my stepfather who was working at the time. I called my brother and we rushed to the hospital, it must have been about five in the morning. I remember it all like a blur, my brother and I got into the elevator to head up to her room and my phone rang, "Hello?", it was my stepfather, "Hayley... She's. Gone." I looked at my brother and he just knew. The doors of the elevator closed as I let out a loud cry, and I collapsed. My brother held me and pulled me out of the elevator and I just sat there crying, shaking. I swear in that moment, a part of me just snapped -  it died. I haven't been the same since. Two days after she slipped into a coma, she was gone. Up until then, we were talking about how she wanted to decorate for Christmas, the things she wanted to change in her life. She was doing better. I really had hope, then during the night her cancer spread almost tenfold and she was in a coma. The doctors were shocked, "I've never seen anything like this before".  I knew then, she was going to pass on, but I never imagined how fast it could happen. 

Needless to say, on this day, along with November 3, the day I lost my father the year before, I'm not myself. Unfortunately, these dates are a part of who I am. I don't believe I will ever truly recover from the weight that these days carry on my soul, my being. Every one in my family shares in my pain on these anniversaries. The last person, I devoted my life, and my heart to completely neglected to remember, even when he lived through these days with me. Apparently, these events had no effect on him, I was alone in my suffering. He once told me that two years was long enough, that I had to get over it. I can't believe I put up with that. How disrespectful. I need someone who is strong enough to help me through my continuous battle with grief. I need to be supported emotionally, not criticized. I need someone who understands suffering, someone caring. I need a safe place to share my emotions, rather than hide them. I know I'll find it. 

colonial williamsburg // travels

^ I am so proud to be their grand-daughter. 

Travel brings something out in me, it centers me, makes me feel smaller - humbles me. It's so easy to get caught up in our own worries and problems, to lose ourselves. I'm done playing the victim of heartache and betrayal. I want to feel something again, something real. And I think I've found it. 

I spent last weekend with my family in Colonial Williamsburg, VA. We had a lovely time together, a short trip, but well overdue. I miss my family so much. Williamsburg means so much to my family, it almost feels like home. My family is passionate about history, and about preserving it. I hope to carry on the tradition and share this wonderful place with my own family someday. 

On my return to Seattle, I suddenly, immediately became saddened with the overwhelming thought of there being absolutely nothing left keeping me here. In fact, it took me a while to shake that feeling. Now, however, I am excited about my future and what it may bring.