moment of clarity // reflections

How he captures me. 

Where do I start? I suppose, Happy New Year is a good place to begin. I cannot even begin to describe the happiness I've been experiencing lately... 

The week before Christmas I experienced one of the lowest of emotional lows that I have ever felt. My loneliness swallowed me up, completely. It was the final rock bottom to cap off six months of continuous, torturous,  emotional agony. From July until then I was just coasting, barely getting by my heart broken into pieces, nothing to hang on to. I was so broken, I lost fifteen pounds, I was wasting away. It took one final confrontation with my demons to set my spiral even further downward. It was a dark place to be. Through my own strength and the strength of my loved ones I persevered. It was in this reawakening that I started to push myself, push myself to find happiness - I refused to suffer any longer. And just like that... the day before Christmas Eve, I met him. 

I'm seriously floating on cloud nine with happiness and joy. I've never had such an effortless connection with someone in my entire life. We just click. He's kind, intelligent, makes me laugh, we're both designers (artistic minds) but most importantly, he makes me feel adored and worth being loved. I don't think I've ever been this smitten, honestly. 

I've made peace with my past, and my ghosts. They no longer have any hold over me. I've released you. Goodbye.

part of me // reflections

 My Mother in Williamsburg '82. This is how I remember her, that big goofy smile - I can almost hear her laughter. 

I've realized too, that I make that same goofy face. I can't even express how much I miss her.

December 17, 2008.  Six years ago today, I lost my best friend, my mother and a huge part of myself. I remember getting a call from the hospital early in the morning, on the only night that I actually went home to try and sleep, they told me that there was a change in my mothers condition, that I should immediately come to the hospital. They could not share the details with me, and could not reach my stepfather who was working at the time. I called my brother and we rushed to the hospital, it must have been about five in the morning. I remember it all like a blur, my brother and I got into the elevator to head up to her room and my phone rang, "Hello?", it was my stepfather, "Hayley... She's. Gone." I looked at my brother and he just knew. The doors of the elevator closed as I let out a loud cry, and I collapsed. My brother held me and pulled me out of the elevator and I just sat there crying, shaking. I swear in that moment, a part of me just snapped -  it died. I haven't been the same since. Two days after she slipped into a coma, she was gone. Up until then, we were talking about how she wanted to decorate for Christmas, the things she wanted to change in her life. She was doing better. I really had hope, then during the night her cancer spread almost tenfold and she was in a coma. The doctors were shocked, "I've never seen anything like this before".  I knew then, she was going to pass on, but I never imagined how fast it could happen. 

Needless to say, on this day, along with November 3, the day I lost my father the year before, I'm not myself. Unfortunately, these dates are a part of who I am. I don't believe I will ever truly recover from the weight that these days carry on my soul, my being. Every one in my family shares in my pain on these anniversaries. The last person, I devoted my life, and my heart to completely neglected to remember, even when he lived through these days with me. Apparently, these events had no effect on him, I was alone in my suffering. He once told me that two years was long enough, that I had to get over it. I can't believe I put up with that. How disrespectful. I need someone who is strong enough to help me through my continuous battle with grief. I need to be supported emotionally, not criticized. I need someone who understands suffering, someone caring. I need a safe place to share my emotions, rather than hide them. I know I'll find it. 

colonial williamsburg // travels

^ I am so proud to be their grand-daughter. 

Travel brings something out in me, it centers me, makes me feel smaller - humbles me. It's so easy to get caught up in our own worries and problems, to lose ourselves. I'm done playing the victim of heartache and betrayal. I want to feel something again, something real. And I think I've found it. 

I spent last weekend with my family in Colonial Williamsburg, VA. We had a lovely time together, a short trip, but well overdue. I miss my family so much. Williamsburg means so much to my family, it almost feels like home. My family is passionate about history, and about preserving it. I hope to carry on the tradition and share this wonderful place with my own family someday. 

On my return to Seattle, I suddenly, immediately became saddened with the overwhelming thought of there being absolutely nothing left keeping me here. In fact, it took me a while to shake that feeling. Now, however, I am excited about my future and what it may bring. 

piece by piece // reflections

 Shopping at Totokaelo
Photograph | Talitha Bullock

During this period of extensive introspection, I've been getting to know myself a little better. I've spent so much energy being the person every one wanted me to be and not the person I truly am. It's inspiring to be like, "I want to do this!" ... and do it. How sad is that? Yep. Recently, I found the strength to read one of the journals that my mother kept and had been writing for me (and one for each of my brothers) since the day she found out she was pregnant with me to the the last couple of months of her life. They're truly such a beautiful gift, I hope to do the same for my children. One of her last entries, a final letter to me, she wrote about how she felt that I was stuck, that I'd never fully recover or grow close to anyone after her death. That it would shake me to the core. It did. It was then that I finally discovered that that was exactly what was my problem. I keep so much from people, how I truly feel, how I carry my grief with me, how I've been suffering with depression for most of my adult life. I've grown quite good at it - pretending I'm okay.  I was okay with coasting, it seemed to work. Problem is, that person that people think they're getting to know, learning to love is not the real me - I have baggage. That's when the problems start. It's not fair of me, and I'm understanding that. Every one has their issues, and maybe I'm being too hard on myself. It's not that I am being another person, fake, I just haven't met anyone who's willing to stick around when I get emotional, share my story. They all run away, or can't handle it. These situations have trained my pretending-everything-is-okay tendencies. The truth is, no one is perfect and by pretending I'm okay, people feel like they cannot connect with me, fully. We connect with one another throughout shared experiences. I'm human, I have flaws. 

enough is enough // thoughts

 Photographs | Talitha Bullock

Oh hello, September ( You're welcome. I couldn't help myself.) I can't believe summer has flown by as quickly as it has. Faster than ever, that's for sure. I spent so much of it hanging on to old feelings, hurt and heartbroken. No fun. It's funny, since making the leap (letting go), it's almost like I have become more alive. I've rekindled many friendships, and made some really meaningful new ones. I'm realizing my own worth, my own strengths and what I need. I feel like I've grown over the last two months more than I have in the last six years. I'm free, truly on my own. Truly a fresh start. I feel inspired and liberated, yet slightly overwhelmed with excitement, oh the possibilities!

 "I wish I had the courage not to fight and doubt everything. I wish, just once, I could say: ‘This. This is good enough.’" - Chuck Palahniuk, Choke